Trauma Revisited

Here I was thinking my trauma was healed when I saw the rapist today. I was in the Lyft on Ostend St, and there he was outside of a building. I thought he was gone from the neighborhood, but it seems like he might only have moved. The air was knocked from my lungs, and my heart hurt to beat. I haven’t talked to anyone about what happened today, but maybe I will mention it tomorrow. I didn’t know I was still traumatized. It’s been 3 years. Why am I not healed? Why isn’t he far away from me? It’s bad enough that he didn’t face justice. I don’t want him in my neighborhood. I don’t want to relive it. I don’t want the dread of seeing him. It’s probably only the isolation of COVID that has kept me from seeing him around. What am I going to do?

On Writing Erotic Poetry

The strange thing is that I don’t remember writing much erotic poetry before I was raped. There were poems about attraction and kissing, but I didn’t really write explicit sexual poetry back then. After I was raped, writing erotic poetry became a rebellion against being violated. I still owned my sexuality, and he couldn’t take that from me, though he had taken my sense of safety and any ability to truly experience sexual interaction with a human unless there was a computer and many miles separating us. Through time and therapy, I regained some sense of physical sexuality, though it’s an issue I need to do more work on in therapy.

Australian Accent

His accent heating my blood

From the other side of the world

Jokes, not really jokes, about travel

When the pandemic is over

But we would barely leave the bed

He tells me in detail what he would

Do to me with his tongue

Pictures of his tongue and dick

A video of him licking his lips

And explicit details in that accent

Ruins

Not three years ago

My life was in ruins

Shattered by violation

I was overtly sexual in words

And nonsexual in deeds

Afraid of every man

Pretending to be fearless

Saying that I was ok

When I myself had become

A ruin of who I was

Rape and Pregnancy Scare

After I was raped in early 2018, my period was absent. I thought I was pregnant, and I was terrified. I’m politically liberal, but I’m Catholic! Long story short, I wasn’t pregnant. I was too stressed to menstruate. However, to this day, I ask myself what I would have done if I had been pregnant. I have no clue. I am pulled in three directions over it.

Australian Loverboy

I first noticed his green eyes

Pink soft looking lips

Mop of brown hair

Cute, sexy, something there

Easygoing, funny, smart

And then things got NSFW

The things he said to me

The video of him, burning up

Obscenely moving his tongue

Licking his lips, eyes dark

With desire to put that mouth…

We all know where

But he’s 22 hours away by plane

15 hours ahead by time

I want but how can I have?

Angry

I am often angry at my mother for her unwelcome and unsolicited criticisms of my face, my body, my relationships, my physical disabilities, and my mental health. I try to explain that she’s breaking me, but she simply doesn’t care. As long as she can use me as an emotional punching bag, I don’t matter as a human being.

Alienation

There was a brief time in high school where a frenemy temporarily turned everyone in our group of friends against me through lies and half truths…less than half true, actually. I remember going to school without a place to fit in. I suddenly had no friends on campus. I stood by myself through it all, despite the pain that felt like it would break me.

Dog Parts

Shrimpy’s joints ache

With her youthful arthritis

She makes little sounds

As she gets to her feet

Petting her has become difficult

Trying to find a balance

Even her ribs are slightly tender

I knew I was taking home a sick dog

But I hope I am not yet faced with

The painful choice

Crazy Nightmare

Dreaming of being 13 and back in 8th grade while remembering everything from the future and being forbidden to change anything by mentioning the future was an exquisitely painful experience. My mother woke me by calling to me, and I was so jarred by the dream that I trembled for 10 minutes.